That is what will be expected of Rocky from our new church in Sale Creek as told to him by Wally. I'm not sure what Wally's last name is but who cares right? People named Wally do not need a last name because their first name is so fun to say! Wally Wally Wally. Ok.
They will be voting on him February 15th I think but they have talked lots and it's pretty much a done deal. It will be bi-vocational but I think that makes me happy because I'm not a huge fan of change. Just ask my wardrobe. This way he can keep working in this new steady job with insurance but still pastor.
We have been up there a couple of times and the people are really nice. We even ate at this one lady's house (I'm pretty sure she has a name but it wasn't "Wally" so I don't remember it...)I'm just gonna tell ya, she knows how to cook food.
It seems far away but it only takes me 30 min. or so to get there and the drive is very easy. Most people drive that far to work every day and I'll only be driving it a couple days a week. Plus, if you subtract the amount of time it takes me to get to my church now...it will only take an additional 20 min to get to the new one. Can you tell I have been trying to rationalize the driving time in my head? Wally.
So there ya go!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Seriously? Nah, just kidding.
It looks as though we may be attending a new church soon (don't ask me about it on here because I'm feelin' too lazy to explain and have very few details...maybe in another post? K.) Anyway, I have decided this will probably be a good time to start having adult conversations with people...the mature serious all the time kind...instead of the ones I usually have that sound a lot like this one I had with one of my friends at church last night:
My Friend: So Christi, I have been trying to call you all week now but you won't answer your phone and you won't call me back.
Me: Well My Friend, I don't usually have my volume on.
My Friend: Why?
Me: Because I went to a comedy show a couple of months ago and there was this hypnotist there and now every time I hear a phone ring I bark like a dog and shove a banana in my ear.
My Friend: Seriously?
Me: Nah, Just kidding.
My Friend: I left you a voicemail
Me: Don't check those either.
My Friend: Well that is ridiculous. Why have a phone then? I think you need to stop being like that and turn up the volume on your phone.
Me: Well I think you should turn the volume down on your mouth.
My Friend: Fine, I will just come to your house.
Me: You were not invited and I won't answer the door. I'm not even sure I like you.
My Friend: Well I am very sure I do not like you.
Me: Great. Glad we agree.
My Friend: Oops. I'm late for choir practice. Call me tomorrow?
Me: Of Course!
Nonsense right?
I have a hard time transitioning into seriousness so I'm thinking I should just start my conversations with the intention of being completely serious and fight the urge to say things that will make other people ask if I am being serious. I really don't want to scare these poor new people or make them cry or have Rocky come home and say, "there were 138 complaints in the complaint box at church this morning and guess how many of them have your name in the subject line?"
Then I would be all like:
Are you serious?
and he would be all:
(insert face of despair and disappointment)
and I would be all:
I was kidding!
and he would be all:
Christi, you can't be telling people that "The Message" bible was written by the devil. They didn't know you were kidding.
Then I would be all:
I wasn't kidding.
and he would be all:
Seriously?
and then I would say:
Nah, just kidding.
See how complicated that could get?
My Friend: So Christi, I have been trying to call you all week now but you won't answer your phone and you won't call me back.
Me: Well My Friend, I don't usually have my volume on.
My Friend: Why?
Me: Because I went to a comedy show a couple of months ago and there was this hypnotist there and now every time I hear a phone ring I bark like a dog and shove a banana in my ear.
My Friend: Seriously?
Me: Nah, Just kidding.
My Friend: I left you a voicemail
Me: Don't check those either.
My Friend: Well that is ridiculous. Why have a phone then? I think you need to stop being like that and turn up the volume on your phone.
Me: Well I think you should turn the volume down on your mouth.
My Friend: Fine, I will just come to your house.
Me: You were not invited and I won't answer the door. I'm not even sure I like you.
My Friend: Well I am very sure I do not like you.
Me: Great. Glad we agree.
My Friend: Oops. I'm late for choir practice. Call me tomorrow?
Me: Of Course!
Nonsense right?
I have a hard time transitioning into seriousness so I'm thinking I should just start my conversations with the intention of being completely serious and fight the urge to say things that will make other people ask if I am being serious. I really don't want to scare these poor new people or make them cry or have Rocky come home and say, "there were 138 complaints in the complaint box at church this morning and guess how many of them have your name in the subject line?"
Then I would be all like:
Are you serious?
and he would be all:
(insert face of despair and disappointment)
and I would be all:
I was kidding!
and he would be all:
Christi, you can't be telling people that "The Message" bible was written by the devil. They didn't know you were kidding.
Then I would be all:
I wasn't kidding.
and he would be all:
Seriously?
and then I would say:
Nah, just kidding.
See how complicated that could get?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sold!
Ok, someone is going to have to come up with better television programming in the morning! I used to wake up, turn on the news and yell at my kids until they got ready for school. Now, since I am going to have to stop watching the news because it makes my head hurt, I am having to channel surf to find something that will keep me from going back to sleep. This morning I discovered that most of my favorite channels show nothing but infomercials before 8 a.m. Since I am a sucker for infomercials and QVC could talk me into buying ANYTHING! (I mean seriously, who buys candy apples through the mail? I know! But they almost had me this past Christmas..you should all be thankful that I broke the hypnosis before I found my purse.) Anyway, if I had any money, this morning I would have totally bought...
This is the AMAZING HAAN. It is a steamer mop that according to the infomercial kills every germ within a 2 mile radius. It could have been purchased (if I would have called within the first 5 min. after the show) for the low low price of $99.99. But wait! Just to make it easier they will break that up into 3 easy to pay installments of $33.33. They are practically giving it away, right?!
And then I would have bought this...
This is the Best of Philosophy skin care which can be found at bestofphilosophy.com..clever eh? They didn't have me at hello on this one. I had to watch it a little longer than the other one just because I'm pretty convinced that most skin care products are the same just some are more expensive. But then they said, "This item was featured as one of Oprah's favorite things a few years ago". Umm, Hello? Oprah loves it! SOLD! Don't get me wrong. I am far from being an Oprah follower. Don't even watch the show. However, this woman has e-ver-y-thi-ng and I'm guessing isn't easily impressed so when she says it is one of her favorite things I pay attention! I bought the flip video for Kayla because it was one of Oprah's favs and I have to tell ya, it is one of my favorite things too! Oh, so it was offered at the introductory price of $29.95 but that is just for the trial sizes.
And lastly, (mostly because it was time to take the kids to school) I would have bought this...
Yeah, Jillian Michaels has teamed up with NordicTrack and they have this new cool treadmill that includes these cool workout cards designed by Jillian to make you cry alot and possibly vomit. I would probably buy anything exercisey she peddled, if I were an exerciser, because she is a beast and shows no mercy. I admire that. This would have only set me back $1599.00 but I'm pretty sure that is without tax and shipping.
Luckily, none of this was an option and it was time to drop the kids off. By the time I got home I was able to settle into my regular programming while I drank a gallon of coffee.
This is the AMAZING HAAN. It is a steamer mop that according to the infomercial kills every germ within a 2 mile radius. It could have been purchased (if I would have called within the first 5 min. after the show) for the low low price of $99.99. But wait! Just to make it easier they will break that up into 3 easy to pay installments of $33.33. They are practically giving it away, right?!
And then I would have bought this...
This is the Best of Philosophy skin care which can be found at bestofphilosophy.com..clever eh? They didn't have me at hello on this one. I had to watch it a little longer than the other one just because I'm pretty convinced that most skin care products are the same just some are more expensive. But then they said, "This item was featured as one of Oprah's favorite things a few years ago". Umm, Hello? Oprah loves it! SOLD! Don't get me wrong. I am far from being an Oprah follower. Don't even watch the show. However, this woman has e-ver-y-thi-ng and I'm guessing isn't easily impressed so when she says it is one of her favorite things I pay attention! I bought the flip video for Kayla because it was one of Oprah's favs and I have to tell ya, it is one of my favorite things too! Oh, so it was offered at the introductory price of $29.95 but that is just for the trial sizes.
And lastly, (mostly because it was time to take the kids to school) I would have bought this...
Yeah, Jillian Michaels has teamed up with NordicTrack and they have this new cool treadmill that includes these cool workout cards designed by Jillian to make you cry alot and possibly vomit. I would probably buy anything exercisey she peddled, if I were an exerciser, because she is a beast and shows no mercy. I admire that. This would have only set me back $1599.00 but I'm pretty sure that is without tax and shipping.
Luckily, none of this was an option and it was time to drop the kids off. By the time I got home I was able to settle into my regular programming while I drank a gallon of coffee.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
What I Am Not Going To Talk About
As much as I would like to stop taking my Political Turrets meds and let loose on the new administration, I will not. I refuse to mock or point out the obvious lack of experience Barak has. I will not say that the only CHANGE he has brought to this country thus far is the CHANGE that the lefty loonies paid for when they donated to his campaign. I will not quote him as saying,
"What an opportunity we have to change this country," the Democrat told his senior staff the day after his inauguration. "The American people are really counting on us now. Let's make sure we take advantage of it." And take advantage of it he has!
"On Thursday and Friday, Obama, with an executive pen in his left hand, overruled eight years of Bush administration policies, signing several executive orders on national security and abortion funding."
I will not tell you how thrilled sarcasm intended...IF I was talking about this I am that during this time of financial trouble when people are struggling to pay their bills, have lost their house and/or their job, ...our new president considers sending tax payer dollars overseas to help them kill babies, one of his first and most important priorities.
And while I'm not talking about it I'm wondering how shutting down a prison that is full of terrorists (just to appease people in other countries who hate us) and bringing those terrorists into the United States makes sense. Aren't we supposed to be trying to keep them out?
This is certainly the CHANGE I expected. It isn't looking any different to me. Ok, well maybe he looks better in swim trunks than George W would and his kids are adorable but that is about it. I'm just going to go sit in the corner and HOPE this country is strong enough for the CHANGE. I don't think anyone wants the man to fail. I just want him to hurry up and finish paying back his supporters and get his advisors to tell him how to handle the real important issues.
I am done not talking about this.
"What an opportunity we have to change this country," the Democrat told his senior staff the day after his inauguration. "The American people are really counting on us now. Let's make sure we take advantage of it." And take advantage of it he has!
"On Thursday and Friday, Obama, with an executive pen in his left hand, overruled eight years of Bush administration policies, signing several executive orders on national security and abortion funding."
I will not tell you how thrilled sarcasm intended...IF I was talking about this I am that during this time of financial trouble when people are struggling to pay their bills, have lost their house and/or their job, ...our new president considers sending tax payer dollars overseas to help them kill babies, one of his first and most important priorities.
And while I'm not talking about it I'm wondering how shutting down a prison that is full of terrorists (just to appease people in other countries who hate us) and bringing those terrorists into the United States makes sense. Aren't we supposed to be trying to keep them out?
This is certainly the CHANGE I expected. It isn't looking any different to me. Ok, well maybe he looks better in swim trunks than George W would and his kids are adorable but that is about it. I'm just going to go sit in the corner and HOPE this country is strong enough for the CHANGE. I don't think anyone wants the man to fail. I just want him to hurry up and finish paying back his supporters and get his advisors to tell him how to handle the real important issues.
I am done not talking about this.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Why Aren't You Happy Dancing?
I just installed a door knob all by myself. YES! I KNOW! It was one of those, "oh forget it, I will just do it myself" moments. Jade's room wouldn't shut all the way and for some reason the dog decided that it looked like a nice place to tinkle when it was too cold outside so it was either get rid of dog....
awwww, that is his scared look...just kidding buddy.
-OR-
install a new door knob which I would have done a long time ago had it occurred to me that we have 3 doorknobs just waiting to be installed. Why do we have a supply of spare doorknobs you ask? Talk to the closet doors that have been sitting on my back porch for 4 years waiting to be put in. My next project. :D
So anyway, I did it all by myself! Without directions because the directions were too confusing and mostly in a foreign language.
Now you can start happy dancing.
awwww, that is his scared look...just kidding buddy.
-OR-
install a new door knob which I would have done a long time ago had it occurred to me that we have 3 doorknobs just waiting to be installed. Why do we have a supply of spare doorknobs you ask? Talk to the closet doors that have been sitting on my back porch for 4 years waiting to be put in. My next project. :D
So anyway, I did it all by myself! Without directions because the directions were too confusing and mostly in a foreign language.
Now you can start happy dancing.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I'm Lost
I'm totally pumped that 'Lost' is back. However, I just read an article that says Season 5 will be even more complicated!
I have to watch last season's finale tonight before I start on the new season. Does anyone know what happened to Claire?
I have to watch last season's finale tonight before I start on the new season. Does anyone know what happened to Claire?
A New Era
I don't know...maybe I'm just that much of a hater. It's not even that I do not like Barak Obama. I have to admire a man who can convince a country full of people that he is capable of leading with no experience. I do hope that his "advisers" have the experience because technically they are the ones calling the shots here but I digress.
I have tried to avoid the news lately because I can't decide whether to laugh or be frightened. Most in the media are acting like they are 3 years old and just got a pony for Christmas. The problem is, you grow up and realize the pony leaves large piles of poo in the yard and smells bad. The fantasy never really lives up to the reality. After catching a little bit of the euphoria from the crowds of people who caught a glimpse of our new Rock Star Prez on the news yesterday this video came to mind and it cracked me up. Tell me this doesn't remind you of the cult-like followers of Obama. Oh, and Obama would be the leopluradon that makes a noise but never really says anything and of course candy mountain represents the illusion he is trying to sell us. Guess I will be Charlie. haha.
Now, I'm going to find a hobby.
I have tried to avoid the news lately because I can't decide whether to laugh or be frightened. Most in the media are acting like they are 3 years old and just got a pony for Christmas. The problem is, you grow up and realize the pony leaves large piles of poo in the yard and smells bad. The fantasy never really lives up to the reality. After catching a little bit of the euphoria from the crowds of people who caught a glimpse of our new Rock Star Prez on the news yesterday this video came to mind and it cracked me up. Tell me this doesn't remind you of the cult-like followers of Obama. Oh, and Obama would be the leopluradon that makes a noise but never really says anything and of course candy mountain represents the illusion he is trying to sell us. Guess I will be Charlie. haha.
Now, I'm going to find a hobby.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Mindy & Lisa
I was looking around at blogs and found this one that I thought you both might like since you have little girls with long hair.
http://cute2tryhairdos.blogspot.com/
http://cute2tryhairdos.blogspot.com/
So Anyway...Senior Pictures
I am going to try and get an order together for Kayla's senior pictures. I want to at least get a good idea of how many children I will have to sell to be able to afford them so if any of the grandparents or great grandparents know what they want, let me know and we'll see if there is any way we can just combine them into one order and get it done.
Let me know!
Let me know!
Friday, January 16, 2009
7
It was 7 degrees outside this morning when I got up. 7. Do you know how cold that is? I am still not warm.
7 is a lucky number
7 is the name of a scary movie
7 is how many days there are in a week
7 is the balance of my checking account
7 should not be a temperature!
That is all I have to say about that.
7 is a lucky number
7 is the name of a scary movie
7 is how many days there are in a week
7 is the balance of my checking account
7 should not be a temperature!
That is all I have to say about that.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
You Had Me At Dorito
I have been really good about not buying junk food lately. One reason of course is to save a little money but the other reason is because I love it a lot and if it is here I will eat it. To keep from being tempted I usually just skip the chip/snack isle all together. It is also pretty expensive (if you get the good stuff). So there you go. Saving money and eating better. Hm.
I walked into the grocery store last night thinking in my mind that I just had to get some tea, coffee, bread and cheese and you'll never guess what they did. There was a giant display of every variety of Doritos you can imagine AND it was buy 1 get 2 free! Buy 1 Get 1 free I could have probably resisted but get 2 free?! Heck no. I'm talking the display was right in front of the door. You had to walk around it to get inside. All that was left was to decide which kind I was getting!
This is where it gets ugly... I got one of those bags with 2 flavors mixed, the Chipotle Ranch and Zesty Taco..mmmmmm. My lack of willpower combined with the addictive crunch of Doritos topped with my love of all things Taco was a disaster waiting to happen and it did. Dude, I ate the whole bag. Yeah. Well, minus maybe 2-3 servings between Jordan/Jade/Ralphie (you have to feed him equal amounts of whatever you eat because he stares at you with those giant eyeballs until you give in). But yeah, the whole bag of Doritos. Shameful. I didn't even bother to eat a sandwich with them to make it appear as though it was a semi meal. And you know that it is a cosmic rule that when you eat something salty you have to wash it down with something chocolate-y. So I also had a nutty bar. ha! Dang. But yeah, that was dinner.
I'm wondering if I could sue Dorito for making a taco flavored chip. They have to know that there are people like me out there who will find that combination irresistible and eat entire bags in one sitting. I'm pretty sure Jillian Michaels would be really unhappy with me right now. I did do that one workout but I'm pretty sure a bag of Doritos and a Nutty Bar cancelled that out pretty quick. Hmmm, but, if you figure that in with the calories I saved by skipping the sandwich and washing it down with a DIET coke then maybe, just maybe, it wasn't all that bad, yes?
Speaking of Nutty Bars, I'm getting pretty tired of all this salmonella stuff getting into my peanut butter. First of all, how the heck does it keep getting in there? Maybe the people who work there had eggs for breakfast and didn't wash their hands afterwards. Maybe it is a terrorist attack on peanut butter loving Americans. I don't know. I just know that by the time I hear about the recalls I have already consumed that peanut butter sandwich or those peanut butter crackers that go really well with my morning coffee. I just think it will really stink if my cause of death is tainted peanut butter. On the other hand it would make for a pretty hilarious tomb stone
Favorite Daughter
Loving Mother
She was killed
by Peanut Butter
I walked into the grocery store last night thinking in my mind that I just had to get some tea, coffee, bread and cheese and you'll never guess what they did. There was a giant display of every variety of Doritos you can imagine AND it was buy 1 get 2 free! Buy 1 Get 1 free I could have probably resisted but get 2 free?! Heck no. I'm talking the display was right in front of the door. You had to walk around it to get inside. All that was left was to decide which kind I was getting!
This is where it gets ugly... I got one of those bags with 2 flavors mixed, the Chipotle Ranch and Zesty Taco..mmmmmm. My lack of willpower combined with the addictive crunch of Doritos topped with my love of all things Taco was a disaster waiting to happen and it did. Dude, I ate the whole bag. Yeah. Well, minus maybe 2-3 servings between Jordan/Jade/Ralphie (you have to feed him equal amounts of whatever you eat because he stares at you with those giant eyeballs until you give in). But yeah, the whole bag of Doritos. Shameful. I didn't even bother to eat a sandwich with them to make it appear as though it was a semi meal. And you know that it is a cosmic rule that when you eat something salty you have to wash it down with something chocolate-y. So I also had a nutty bar. ha! Dang. But yeah, that was dinner.
I'm wondering if I could sue Dorito for making a taco flavored chip. They have to know that there are people like me out there who will find that combination irresistible and eat entire bags in one sitting. I'm pretty sure Jillian Michaels would be really unhappy with me right now. I did do that one workout but I'm pretty sure a bag of Doritos and a Nutty Bar cancelled that out pretty quick. Hmmm, but, if you figure that in with the calories I saved by skipping the sandwich and washing it down with a DIET coke then maybe, just maybe, it wasn't all that bad, yes?
Speaking of Nutty Bars, I'm getting pretty tired of all this salmonella stuff getting into my peanut butter. First of all, how the heck does it keep getting in there? Maybe the people who work there had eggs for breakfast and didn't wash their hands afterwards. Maybe it is a terrorist attack on peanut butter loving Americans. I don't know. I just know that by the time I hear about the recalls I have already consumed that peanut butter sandwich or those peanut butter crackers that go really well with my morning coffee. I just think it will really stink if my cause of death is tainted peanut butter. On the other hand it would make for a pretty hilarious tomb stone
Favorite Daughter
Loving Mother
She was killed
by Peanut Butter
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Story Of My Life
In case you have been wondering what I have been up to since I haven't been posting I thought I would hop on here for a second and catch you up....in book form.
Chapter One: I Thought About Getting Up...Once
I mentioned a little something about not feeling well last week but I never found out what was wrong with me. Mainly because I'm positive that as soon as I finally walk into a Doctors office they will inform me that I have 7 different types of disease and 2 of them are deadly....p.s. you have less than a month to live. Who wants to hear that? Yeah, not me either.
So I wasn't on my death bed but I was feeling pretty lousy. It wasn't a sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I couldn't rest sickness...it was more of a I Just Don't Feel Good And Have No Desire Or Enough Energy To Move From The Bed To The Couch Today So I Will Just Stay In Bed kind of sickness. I'm pretty sure I caught someone's germs from all of the holiday festivities or food poisoning or I ate way too much sugar over the holidays for the not yet discovered diabetes I'm sure that I have (I know you are thinking that I sound like Nikki so I feel like I should point out that we differ in that I do not search for illness nor do I seek out Doctors to confirm my illnesses. I am just sure I have them and that is all. Big Difference) So Anyway, I finally started to regain some energy which leads me into Chapter 2...
Chapter 2: The Really Good Bad Idea
After I finally built up enough energy to make it from the bed to the couch I was flipping through some channels and saw Exercise T.V. Now usually I would just watch and think to myself
these people really have no life...don't they know that if they ever stop exercising all of that muscle will to turn to junk and they will look like everyone else? Who wants to be held captive to that kind of forced program and how much of their life have they wasted just so they can look amazing in case what? In case they are ever naked in public? Or maybe they might be chased by a serial killer and they want to make sure their endurance is high enough to outrun them...or maybe they just want to look cute in their clothes but really, you will be old one day and noone will care how cute you were in your clothes and all that time you spent at the gym could have been spent doing something fun like watching people on t.v. exercise. Just please don't tell me it is because you want to be healthy because I heard on the news that cell phones can give you brain cancer as well as french fries, microwaves and breathing air...
Anyway, on this day I saw Jillian Michaels (?) from the Biggest Loser on there and she has her own 30 min. workout. I was feeling a bit froggy so I decided I would try it out to see how hard it was. Well, I did it. All 30 min. of it. No big deal. That was Monday. I am still walking like a grandma. And Now, I don't feel good again!!! This exercise stuff lowered my immune system and the mystery disease is coming back. Now, not only can I not walk right or raise my arms above my head, I'm tired again. Of course it could also be because of stress...Chapter 3.
Chapter Three: The Heavyset Lawman
Here's where I confess that I am a law breaker. I have not renewed my tags since last year on my birthday. Before you judge me, the economy has been bad and we have just been trying to live with does not include paying a ridiculous amount of money to the woman at the tag office, who always smells like fried chicken, for a STICKER to put over the 20 other stickers on my tag. Call it a form of protest.
So anyway, I have been evading the law for the past 9 months. It is exhausting. Last night I had to stop on my way home from CHURCH to grab a jar of spagetti sauce to use for dinner. That is relevant because had I not stopped I would have gotten home without incident. I made it all the way to the road I turn on and he got me. The stupid stinkin' blue lights came on and I knew I was busted. I didn't get nervous I got mad. I drive like a grandma. I always make complete stops at the stop signs. I slow down on yellow lights. I drive in the slow lane and never go more than 5 miles over the speed limit and yet here I am getting pulled over.
REALLY?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
What is worse, Jordan and Jade were with me. No, that made it hilarious! They have never been pulled over before. I thought Jade was going to have a panic attack. Good Stuff.
Moving on. The cop was some 12 year old heavyset guy who probably has his mother iron his uniform for him in the mornings. I probably could have worked myself into a pitiful mess and told him a sad story and maybe gotten away with a warning but pride set in and I just could not do it.
He was all.."I pulled you over because you have an expired tag"
And I was like, "Oh."
That was it. OH.
What I was thinking was..Really Mr. Heavyset Lawman? Really. You have nothing better to do than pull over mom's in minivans to give them a ticket that will probably cost more than the tag renewal? Are there not any illegal aliens you could be pursuing or does your mom not allow you in those types of neighborhoods? You know, that nice lady that walks up and down in front of the gas station on the Blvd. in her torn fish net stockings and pleather mini skirt is not there to buy gas or a newspaper. Maybe you could go harass her for a while, yes? Oh, no. No, because if you were to look for real criminals you might miss out on all the good stuff like pulling over old ladies because they drive too slow or asking that fellow who hangs out in front of the grocery store to "move along" because he is bothering the customers. I wouldn't want you to break a sweat. You do realize though that if you were to be chased by a serial killer that you are not in good enough shape to outrun him, right? I have the perfect workout for you.
He kinda paused for a second waiting for me to wail like a girl and beg for forgiveness but this kid wasn't getting it from me. My luck he would have let me pitch my fit and still given me a ticket...
I think that there should be a law that having 2 out of 3 required documents to drive should get you off with a warning. I had a license and insurance I was just missing the sticker from the chicken lady.
Well, when I started I was thinking that there were 4 or 5 chapters to this book but my illness is forcing me to return to my bed and be pitiful for the rest of the night. Maybe I will remember what the rest was tomorrow.
Hope everyone is having a fabulous week!
Chapter One: I Thought About Getting Up...Once
I mentioned a little something about not feeling well last week but I never found out what was wrong with me. Mainly because I'm positive that as soon as I finally walk into a Doctors office they will inform me that I have 7 different types of disease and 2 of them are deadly....p.s. you have less than a month to live. Who wants to hear that? Yeah, not me either.
So I wasn't on my death bed but I was feeling pretty lousy. It wasn't a sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I couldn't rest sickness...it was more of a I Just Don't Feel Good And Have No Desire Or Enough Energy To Move From The Bed To The Couch Today So I Will Just Stay In Bed kind of sickness. I'm pretty sure I caught someone's germs from all of the holiday festivities or food poisoning or I ate way too much sugar over the holidays for the not yet discovered diabetes I'm sure that I have (I know you are thinking that I sound like Nikki so I feel like I should point out that we differ in that I do not search for illness nor do I seek out Doctors to confirm my illnesses. I am just sure I have them and that is all. Big Difference) So Anyway, I finally started to regain some energy which leads me into Chapter 2...
Chapter 2: The Really Good Bad Idea
After I finally built up enough energy to make it from the bed to the couch I was flipping through some channels and saw Exercise T.V. Now usually I would just watch and think to myself
these people really have no life...don't they know that if they ever stop exercising all of that muscle will to turn to junk and they will look like everyone else? Who wants to be held captive to that kind of forced program and how much of their life have they wasted just so they can look amazing in case what? In case they are ever naked in public? Or maybe they might be chased by a serial killer and they want to make sure their endurance is high enough to outrun them...or maybe they just want to look cute in their clothes but really, you will be old one day and noone will care how cute you were in your clothes and all that time you spent at the gym could have been spent doing something fun like watching people on t.v. exercise. Just please don't tell me it is because you want to be healthy because I heard on the news that cell phones can give you brain cancer as well as french fries, microwaves and breathing air...
Anyway, on this day I saw Jillian Michaels (?) from the Biggest Loser on there and she has her own 30 min. workout. I was feeling a bit froggy so I decided I would try it out to see how hard it was. Well, I did it. All 30 min. of it. No big deal. That was Monday. I am still walking like a grandma. And Now, I don't feel good again!!! This exercise stuff lowered my immune system and the mystery disease is coming back. Now, not only can I not walk right or raise my arms above my head, I'm tired again. Of course it could also be because of stress...Chapter 3.
Chapter Three: The Heavyset Lawman
Here's where I confess that I am a law breaker. I have not renewed my tags since last year on my birthday. Before you judge me, the economy has been bad and we have just been trying to live with does not include paying a ridiculous amount of money to the woman at the tag office, who always smells like fried chicken, for a STICKER to put over the 20 other stickers on my tag. Call it a form of protest.
So anyway, I have been evading the law for the past 9 months. It is exhausting. Last night I had to stop on my way home from CHURCH to grab a jar of spagetti sauce to use for dinner. That is relevant because had I not stopped I would have gotten home without incident. I made it all the way to the road I turn on and he got me. The stupid stinkin' blue lights came on and I knew I was busted. I didn't get nervous I got mad. I drive like a grandma. I always make complete stops at the stop signs. I slow down on yellow lights. I drive in the slow lane and never go more than 5 miles over the speed limit and yet here I am getting pulled over.
REALLY?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
What is worse, Jordan and Jade were with me. No, that made it hilarious! They have never been pulled over before. I thought Jade was going to have a panic attack. Good Stuff.
Moving on. The cop was some 12 year old heavyset guy who probably has his mother iron his uniform for him in the mornings. I probably could have worked myself into a pitiful mess and told him a sad story and maybe gotten away with a warning but pride set in and I just could not do it.
He was all.."I pulled you over because you have an expired tag"
And I was like, "Oh."
That was it. OH.
What I was thinking was..Really Mr. Heavyset Lawman? Really. You have nothing better to do than pull over mom's in minivans to give them a ticket that will probably cost more than the tag renewal? Are there not any illegal aliens you could be pursuing or does your mom not allow you in those types of neighborhoods? You know, that nice lady that walks up and down in front of the gas station on the Blvd. in her torn fish net stockings and pleather mini skirt is not there to buy gas or a newspaper. Maybe you could go harass her for a while, yes? Oh, no. No, because if you were to look for real criminals you might miss out on all the good stuff like pulling over old ladies because they drive too slow or asking that fellow who hangs out in front of the grocery store to "move along" because he is bothering the customers. I wouldn't want you to break a sweat. You do realize though that if you were to be chased by a serial killer that you are not in good enough shape to outrun him, right? I have the perfect workout for you.
He kinda paused for a second waiting for me to wail like a girl and beg for forgiveness but this kid wasn't getting it from me. My luck he would have let me pitch my fit and still given me a ticket...
I think that there should be a law that having 2 out of 3 required documents to drive should get you off with a warning. I had a license and insurance I was just missing the sticker from the chicken lady.
Well, when I started I was thinking that there were 4 or 5 chapters to this book but my illness is forcing me to return to my bed and be pitiful for the rest of the night. Maybe I will remember what the rest was tomorrow.
Hope everyone is having a fabulous week!
Friday, January 2, 2009
So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu
Goodbye 2008! I'm still re-couping from our New Years Eve festivities. We had a lock-in with some of the kids at church. I thought maybe we would get to go to sleep at some point but I was wrong. Not only did we stay up all night/morning but I couldn't go to bed until after I took Kayla to work. If our nights and days weren't already screwed up enough they sure are now! I'm still too tired to think much so I'm just going to post some pictures and maybe a little video to show you what we did...
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