Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Story Of My Life

In case you have been wondering what I have been up to since I haven't been posting I thought I would hop on here for a second and catch you up....in book form.

Chapter One: I Thought About Getting Up...Once

I mentioned a little something about not feeling well last week but I never found out what was wrong with me. Mainly because I'm positive that as soon as I finally walk into a Doctors office they will inform me that I have 7 different types of disease and 2 of them are deadly....p.s. you have less than a month to live. Who wants to hear that? Yeah, not me either.
So I wasn't on my death bed but I was feeling pretty lousy. It wasn't a sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I couldn't rest sickness...it was more of a I Just Don't Feel Good And Have No Desire Or Enough Energy To Move From The Bed To The Couch Today So I Will Just Stay In Bed kind of sickness. I'm pretty sure I caught someone's germs from all of the holiday festivities or food poisoning or I ate way too much sugar over the holidays for the not yet discovered diabetes I'm sure that I have (I know you are thinking that I sound like Nikki so I feel like I should point out that we differ in that I do not search for illness nor do I seek out Doctors to confirm my illnesses. I am just sure I have them and that is all. Big Difference) So Anyway, I finally started to regain some energy which leads me into Chapter 2...

Chapter 2: The Really Good Bad Idea

After I finally built up enough energy to make it from the bed to the couch I was flipping through some channels and saw Exercise T.V. Now usually I would just watch and think to myself
these people really have no life...don't they know that if they ever stop exercising all of that muscle will to turn to junk and they will look like everyone else? Who wants to be held captive to that kind of forced program and how much of their life have they wasted just so they can look amazing in case what? In case they are ever naked in public? Or maybe they might be chased by a serial killer and they want to make sure their endurance is high enough to outrun them...or maybe they just want to look cute in their clothes but really, you will be old one day and noone will care how cute you were in your clothes and all that time you spent at the gym could have been spent doing something fun like watching people on t.v. exercise. Just please don't tell me it is because you want to be healthy because I heard on the news that cell phones can give you brain cancer as well as french fries, microwaves and breathing air...
Anyway, on this day I saw Jillian Michaels (?) from the Biggest Loser on there and she has her own 30 min. workout. I was feeling a bit froggy so I decided I would try it out to see how hard it was. Well, I did it. All 30 min. of it. No big deal. That was Monday. I am still walking like a grandma. And Now, I don't feel good again!!! This exercise stuff lowered my immune system and the mystery disease is coming back. Now, not only can I not walk right or raise my arms above my head, I'm tired again. Of course it could also be because of stress...Chapter 3.

Chapter Three: The Heavyset Lawman

Here's where I confess that I am a law breaker. I have not renewed my tags since last year on my birthday. Before you judge me, the economy has been bad and we have just been trying to live with does not include paying a ridiculous amount of money to the woman at the tag office, who always smells like fried chicken, for a STICKER to put over the 20 other stickers on my tag. Call it a form of protest.
So anyway, I have been evading the law for the past 9 months. It is exhausting. Last night I had to stop on my way home from CHURCH to grab a jar of spagetti sauce to use for dinner. That is relevant because had I not stopped I would have gotten home without incident. I made it all the way to the road I turn on and he got me. The stupid stinkin' blue lights came on and I knew I was busted. I didn't get nervous I got mad. I drive like a grandma. I always make complete stops at the stop signs. I slow down on yellow lights. I drive in the slow lane and never go more than 5 miles over the speed limit and yet here I am getting pulled over.
REALLY?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
What is worse, Jordan and Jade were with me. No, that made it hilarious! They have never been pulled over before. I thought Jade was going to have a panic attack. Good Stuff.
Moving on. The cop was some 12 year old heavyset guy who probably has his mother iron his uniform for him in the mornings. I probably could have worked myself into a pitiful mess and told him a sad story and maybe gotten away with a warning but pride set in and I just could not do it.
He was all.."I pulled you over because you have an expired tag"
And I was like, "Oh."
That was it. OH.
What I was thinking was..Really Mr. Heavyset Lawman? Really. You have nothing better to do than pull over mom's in minivans to give them a ticket that will probably cost more than the tag renewal? Are there not any illegal aliens you could be pursuing or does your mom not allow you in those types of neighborhoods? You know, that nice lady that walks up and down in front of the gas station on the Blvd. in her torn fish net stockings and pleather mini skirt is not there to buy gas or a newspaper. Maybe you could go harass her for a while, yes? Oh, no. No, because if you were to look for real criminals you might miss out on all the good stuff like pulling over old ladies because they drive too slow or asking that fellow who hangs out in front of the grocery store to "move along" because he is bothering the customers. I wouldn't want you to break a sweat. You do realize though that if you were to be chased by a serial killer that you are not in good enough shape to outrun him, right? I have the perfect workout for you.
He kinda paused for a second waiting for me to wail like a girl and beg for forgiveness but this kid wasn't getting it from me. My luck he would have let me pitch my fit and still given me a ticket...
I think that there should be a law that having 2 out of 3 required documents to drive should get you off with a warning. I had a license and insurance I was just missing the sticker from the chicken lady.

Well, when I started I was thinking that there were 4 or 5 chapters to this book but my illness is forcing me to return to my bed and be pitiful for the rest of the night. Maybe I will remember what the rest was tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous week!

4 comments:

Mindy said...

Sorry to hear that you are feeling bad and the ticket made it worse I'm sure.....
Maybe you should just stay in bed until next week....thinks should look better then.

Nikki said...

Casey is sick too..yall must have the same thang.

Sandra said...

You really should get to know your local law enforcement people. I am on a first name basis with the GSP on hwy 100. They feel sorry for me, so I only get warnings. But I am 20+ years older than you, so...

Mom said...

You should write a book (of fiction and comedy).
I don't think I ever saw whether you got a ticket or not.....go ahead and finish the chapters...or I'll have to add suspense to your list of books to write.
And by the way, what are your symptoms? We'll see if they're anything like Casey's.