Monday, December 15, 2008

Detox! Stat!

Hi. My name is Christi and I'm a Christmas party foodaholic. I didn't think I had a problem. I thought I would be able to stop whenever I wanted to. I was wrong.

So Christi, what brought you here today?

Well, it all started around Thanksgiving. You know...Yummy delicious food having Thanksgiving? I bought into the lie that it was only once a year and I should indulge myself, over and over and over. You'd think I would have learned my lesson and I did for a week or so. But then came the Christmas parties.

And what happened at these "parties".

There was food. Lots and lots of food. I can't totally blame the Christmas parties. There were also birthday parties and shopping trips that require you to eat out. Just so much food! It is everywhere! And the hosts spend so much of their time cooking, how can I say "no" to the food?

That is a good question. What couldn't you just say no?

It was like, "Hey Christi, would you like some of this delicious cheese dip?"
and me, "Why yes, I would love to do a double back-flip scissor jump round off into your yummy delicious cheese dip."
and then of course you have the main course which, if you get a little of everything, will fill your plate to overflowing. And...AND...being a member of "The Clean Plate Club" I couldn't not finish it all off.

Umm, What is the "Clean Plate Club?"
It's a club where you HAVE to eat everyting on your plate or you will die. Or, at the very least really bad things will happen to you. Don't look for logic here. There is none. It's just a fact.

Then, "Christi, would you like some yummy delicious cheese cake or chocolate cake or red velvet cake or pie or maybe a little of all."
Me, "Of Course!" because anything less would be rude.
I just thought to myself that I would make up for it by sticking to a peanut butter sandwich the next day and calling it even. Which would have probably worked had I not had yet another Christmas party to go to the next night. I'll spare you the details. Just refer back to the first scenario.
Maybe I could have undone some of the damage had I not had to go grocery shopping on Sunday.
How can you go grocery shopping and not come home and eat? Yeah, you can't.

So we are back to why you are here today.

I'm here because I need an intervention!! My jeans are screaming at me. My gut is angry. I can't sleep. I HAVE MORE PARTIES! I WILL EAT AGAIN! What am I going to do?!

Well, for $19.99 (plus shipping and handling) we can sell you our "New Year's Resolution" package that includes the "I'll go on a diet in January and lose 20 pounds by summer" if you are interested.

Does that work?

Not really.

Figures. Nevermind then. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go eat a cracker and a piece of lettuce. Hopefully I will even out again before the party on Saturday.


Sandra said... my world. Music included with comment.

Mindy said...

Yes, I totally get this.
I am an appitizer junkie anyway....and this time of year?
NOT a good time to be one of those -- there are appitizers everywhere I turn!

Hang on -- it'll all be over shortly and maybe we will make it through without an extra 10 lbs =)